California Feminist Blogs

I can relate to the "poker face" at the end:

It's been no secret that I have had a rough couple of months, and that's one of the main reasons that I haven't been blogging on this blog much. Over the past few months, it's been rough in the work setting, I have cut everyone off in my whole family except one person (who better get her ass in gear before she gets axed too, hint, hint), and then today I had what I initially thought was a major crisis.

I am facing one of the most difficult times in my career, and it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to tolerate working in the education system. We've had to cut teachers, and the whole process of it is so mentally exhausting and time consuming. Certain things going on in California with new policies being implemented spurred on ridiculous stipulations from the federal government are making it very difficult.

It disgusts and disturbs me that we have to pink slip new and eager teachers while I watch shitty tenured teachers continue to fail and still have their jobs. During layoff time, any and every manager of course is under complete attack, and most especially anyone who had to sign any pink slips. I'm sick of trying to be innovative and everyone is either too incompetent, lazy or stupid to actually comprehend what I am saying.

I have a plan that if this continues on that I would like to leave the system within three years and be in a place where I can engage my creativity more as opposed to working within a machine that protects itself and maintains the status quo.

So, I've blogged before about me cutting off my mother and family. I'm one tough lady, but it sure is a difficult thing to totally cut off your mother and certain family members, and feel that you are on your own. But I did, and it's been great.

Yet now my boyfriend's family is driving me crazy. In the past they always lived an hour away, but now his two brothers and mother/father live on the same block. All hell has been breaking loose with them. The brother is a major drug addict. A couple of weeks ago, he was arrested for having a hypodermic needle, but was let go. A week later, his house was raided because of his girlfriend. Last Saturday he was picked up and held for questioning for ten hours.

In December he had a baby with his wife (who left him in Jan because of his drug use) and I've been so pissed that he is a loser father that just lately I told him off and chased him away from my boyfriend's house when I was there. I've been telling my boyfriend that I am "this close" from cutting off all of his family members too, and if that I means that I won't go over to his house, then so be it.

I don't even know what word to describe my boyfriend, but he is the type of person (maybe co-dependent) who always ends up cleaning up everyone's mess. He loans people money, he does things for people, he tries to get his brother back on track, etc. It's ridiculous. There used to be a point where he actually would administer surprise drug tests on his brother. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm of the persuasion that if you have to drug test someone, they should be cut off.

He's been in total denial. Since I have refused to speak to him, over the past couple of weeks he has been telling me that he "just knows" that he will clean up his act. "Look at so-and-so (a cousin). He used to be like him and he is clean now", he keeps saying.

"Yeah, and look at so-and-so (insert a couple of my loser cousins' names). They are in their late forties and are still loser drug addicts", I respond. I have such a low tolerance for drug addicts.

In the past, his brother has caused major destruction to the family. So, I told my boyfriend too weeks ago that his brother is going down, and he better watch his back because drug addicts drag anyone and everyone in their life down with them.

Flash forward to this week. My boyfriend snaps under the pressure of everything at work and just told the school board to literally fuck off. So, he was told that his contract will not be renewed for next year. (I'm practically pretty close from doing the same thing).

Well, then today all shit hit the fan. I don't have the energy to go into all the details, but he had to clean up a disaster that his brother created and he was driving his brother's car home. He was pulled over by the police, and tons and tons of drugs were found in the trunk of the car inside of the area where all the tools are.

When I called over there, the police answered the phone and I almost had a fucking heart attack over some of the things that they were telling me, because of course much of it was overexaggerated by the detective (which I found out later). I was convinced that he was going down for his brother because he initially refused to cooperate much. But eventually he was let go and his brother turned himself in.

I don't need to explain to you, of course, that I don't need this shit in my life. About an hour ago, I told my boyfriend that enough is enough, and that he is also cut out of my life until he decides to get rid of this dysfunction in his life. We've been together for over thirteen years, and if he decides that this kind of craziness is more important, then so be it because I don't want to deal with this.

I've always hated those kind of people who have one crisis after the other, constantly. Well, it seems that since Valentines' day, that has been my life. I refuse to allow this to happen anymore. I just want my happy go lucky life back, and want all of the people who cause craziness out of it, once and for all.

Earlier today I attended a lecture on feminist mothering. It was informative and inspiring to hear the ways that mother-daughter bonding can foster a sense of female empowerment. Motherhood as an institution can be very oppressive but motherhood as an experience can be liberating for both mother and child. It's important to incorporate feminist consciousness into everyday lessons and decisions. We also heard a couple of examples from daughters who were raised by feminists.

One mother watched a Disney movie with her daughter then at the end asked her "why do you want to be a princess?" She pointed out to her daughter that all of the villains and sneaky characters had voices of minority populations. Her daughter said that it didn't make the movie less entertaining, it just made her think. I think it's good to allow your children to make decisions about what they want to do and watch but also to encourage them to be conscious of anything that may promote inequality.

Another story I really loved had to do with a daughter who wanted to marry a rich man when she grew up. As she and her mom were picking out clothes for the day she told her mom she wanted to wear a green dress. Her mom told her she had to wear the blue dress. When she protested her mom told her "if you marry a rich man and don't have your own money, if he tells you to wear the blue dress you're going to have to."

The last story that I thought was really impacting was about a daughter who wanted to get her ears pierced. Her mom said that they recently made a law that said girls can't get their ears pierced. She encouraged her daughter to write a letter to lawmakers telling them how she felt. The daughter wrote about how she should have the right to do what she wants with her ears. After she wrote her letter, her mom told her it had made a difference and she could now get her ears pierced. This story touched me because it showed how the urge to have control over one's own body is natural. It also encourages activism and illustrates how things can change one grrl at a time.

Other things feminist mothers can do are read books for boys (about astronauts, scientists, etc.) and make the names and pronouns feminine and encourage open dialogue between mother and child, especially about sex and gender. If anyone has any other comments or suggestions let me know.

I don't know how many of you already know this but Joanna Newsom is a genius! Her lyrics often deal with gender (made me bold, like a whore) and capitalism (oh you loss of property! oh you free economy!...you should've told me before). Her new album is no exception. The song that it's named after is "Have One on Me" and it's brilliant. She makes use of the Lola/Lolita stereotype which alludes to Lola Montez, a 19th-century courtesan who lived in Newsom's hometown for a while, as well as Nabokov's Lolita and Manilow's Lola ("she was a showgirl").

All the king imagery offers critiques of capitalism and religion. The lines "Wait for him to drown in the dust/Drown in the dust of other flies/Whereby the machine is run" is a beautiful way to illustrate that our economic system requires subordination of the masses in order to run. Silver dollar and gold glitter are also used to examine the commodity culture. Louis, the object of the speaker's affection, is being poisoned against her by the Jesuits (who endorse the whore/Madonna either/or mentality when it comes to women). The song ends with a beautiful, sad phrase that's repeated throughout: ‘Cause I didn't know how to feel bad enough/To make him proud. She writes about the struggle of wanting to have loving relationships with men while at the same time dealing with a man's unacknowledged male privilege and sexism (intentional or not). Get this album! It isn't as "screechy" as some have criticized her for being (I personally love the screech) and she is one of the most intelligent, talented women making music today. Also, it's getting harder and harder to find women in the music industry period, but especially female musicians who incorporate feminist themes. There are also three disks for those who can't get enough of my grrl. Here are the lyrics to "Have One on Me." Let me know what you think about them or the album in general!



From the courtyard I floated in
And watched it go down
Heard the cup drop
Thought, "Well, that's why they keep them around"
The blackguard sat hard, down
With no head on him now
And I felt so bad
‘Cause I didn't know how
To feel bad enough
To make him proud

By the time you read this
I will be so far away
Daddy longlegs, how in the world
Am I to be expected to stay
In the night
In the night, you may hear me call
Pa, stay your hand
And steel your resolve
Stay where you are
So long and tall

Here's Lola, ta da!, to do
Her famous Spider Dance for you
Lighten up your pockets
Shake her skirts and scatter, there
A shrieking six-legged millionaire
With a blight in his sockets

Miss Montez
The Countess of Lansfeld
Appealed to the King of Bavaria
Saying, "Pretty papa if you are my friend
Mister daddy longlegs, they are at it again
Can I see you"

Poor Lola, a tarantula's mounting
Countess Lansfeld's handsome brassiere
While they all cheer

And the old king fell from grace
While Lola fled
To save face and her career

You caught a fly, floating by
Wait for him to drown in the dust
Drown in the dust of other flies
Whereby the machine is run
And the deed is done
Heaven has no word
For the way you and your friends
Have treated poor Louis
May God save your poor soul, Lola
But there is nothing I adore
Apart from that whore's black heart

Well, doesn't that just beat all
Miss Gilbert
Called to Castlemaine
By the silver dollar
And the gold glitter

Well, I've seen lots
But never, in a million years
Would think to see you, here

Though the long road
Begins and ends with you
I cannot seem to make amends with you, Louis
When we go out
They're bound to see you with me

At night, I walk in the park with a whip
Between the lines of the whispering Jesuits
Who are poisoning you against me
There's a big black spider hanging over my door
Can't go anywhere, anymore
Tell me, are you with me

I called to you, several times
While the change took place
And then arrived, all night
And I died

But all these songs
When you and I are long gone
Will carry on
Mud in your eye

You asked my hand
Hired a band
"In your heart is all that you need
Ask and you will receive" it is said
I threw my bouquet
And I knocked 'em dead

Bottle of white, bottle of red
Helpless as a child
When you held me in your arms
And I knew that no other
Could ever love me as you loved
Love me as you loved
But help me I'm leaving

I remember everything
Down to the sound of you shaving
The scrape of your razor
The dully-abrading black hair
That remained
When you clutched at me
That night I came upstairs, half-dead
And, in your kindness you put me straightaway
In the cupboard with a bottle of champagne
And then, later on a train
It was dark out, I was half-dead
I saw a star fall into the sky
Like a chunk of thrown coal
As if god himself spat like a cornered rat
I really want you to do this for me
Will you have one on me

It was dark, I was drunk and half-dead
And we slept, knocking heads
Sitting up in the star-smoking air
Knocking heads like buoys
Don't you worry for me
Will you have one on me
Meanwhile, I will raise my own glass
To how you made me fast and expendable
And I will drink to your excellent health
And your cruelty
Will you have one on me
Helpless as a child
When you held me in your arms
And I knew that no other could ever love me

From the courtyard, I floated in
And then I watched it go down
Heard the cup drop
Thought, "Well, that's why they keep them around"
The blackguard sat hard
Down with no head on him now
And I felt so bad
‘Cause I didn't know how to feel bad enough
To make him proud

Well daddy longlegs, are you
Daddy longlegs, are you
Daddy longlegs, are you proud

1. No federal money can be used for abortions (as I have been ranting about above). A woman essentially has to take out what I have heard being called Abortion Insurance. You can take out a plan that has to be paid for out of your own pocket in order to receive coverage for an abortion and since abortion is a state to state debate, the state can ban the coverage if they see fit.
2. Employers will have to cover you or else they will be penalized for it.
3. Children can stay on their parents plans until they reach the age of 26
4. Children with pre-existing conditions (that big bad wolf that has been talked about non-stop during this whole argument) will not be turned away from health coverage, but adults with medical problems can still be turned away until 2014.
5. By 2014, insurance companies can no longer turn away people with pre-existing conditions.
6. If you can afford it and your employer doesn’t cover your health insurance, you can buy from a private insurer.
7. By 2014 most Americans will be required to have health insurance or pay a penalty. That’s right, if you don’t get it, then you’ll have to pay a fee of $95 or 1% of your income. However if you have financial hardships or religious objections, then you are exempt from buying coverage. People can also buy a certain amount of coverage that will only provide treatment during a fluke accident or some horrific event (but lets be clear, finding out you're pregnant doesn't count), but you have to have at least 3 check ups a year.

I've been off this blog for a bit because I have had so many crazy things going on with my work, and all this education crisis crap is just wearing me down. In the meantime I have been also working my ass off, because quite frankly I can't imagine working in a broken institution for the rest of my life and I am trying to get myself started towards one day having other options where I am just working for myself.

So, I've got a five year plan that I am trying to sketch out. I know that I can do it before five years, but I always tend to plan conservatively.

I've also been pretty busy working on some additional projects as well as helping one of my good friends and partners with some web projects that she has been getting off the ground.

In the meantime, I'm looking for people who would like to write blog reviews of foreign films-any topic. It's not for this blog, but for another that I have been helping a friend with. So, if you are interested, please send me an email at badassfemmes@yahoo.com, or you can leave a message here or contact me on twitter. At this time, we are requesting volunteer reviewers. If you are looking for experience with writing, then this will be an excellent opportunity because we can include your name, bio and link to your blog if you have one.

I miss blogging, as I haven't blogged in quite a bit. It's been a rough month which started with the flu and has a been a constant battle of personal and professional conflict. I've been too emotionally exhausted, to put it bluntly, to even try to think about it for the time that it would be required to blog about.

So today I had this wild urge to dig through almost every piece of music that I own to try to define the way that I have been feeling over the past few months. I searched and I searched until I found Jewel's "Foolish Games" which has for some reason always spoken to my soul like no other song that I have ever heard before.



And what tied close in the number two was "Why?" by Annie Lennox:



And third place goes to "Losing my Religion" by REM:



And then the fourth place goes to "What is it About Men" by Amy Winehouse:


And that sums up my life.